I May Just Believe

If tomorrow comes and life is still worth living

If for once, nothing else gets in my way

If it’s true that what you get, comes from your giving

Then I still have words to write and knees that bend to pray

I’ve always had a wall or two, the climb was half the anguish

The worst was asking G-d to stop closing every door

But soon I did find out, that he spoke another language

And me? Pleading for mercy, as I had done, a thousand times before

Perhaps he understands every word I’ve ever spoken

But can’t quite bring himself to speak

Perhaps he sees that every part of me is broken

And just like every man, considers me quite weak

But I have stood when others would have run

And I have prayed when others would have cursed

When I had little, I gave to those that had none

Yet when he passes out pain and suffering, I am first

To whom much is given, much is expected

I wonder what he uses to measure what is given.

I think I may have enough complaints to reject it

The notion that all things are forgiven

If tomorrow comes and life is still worth living

If for once, nothing else gets in my way

I may just believe, that it’s really all in the giving

In the faith, in the hope, in the act of forgiving myself, each and every day

It May Not Even Matter

How long before the rain stops pouring down?

I’m tired of the cold and hard decent

I’m not the kind to just give up and drown

Even with my soul half crushed and bent

Now I know, I’m not here forever

The time that’s gone, is as good as gone can be

But the answer to my question can’t be never

This is not what I imagined my life would be

I’m tired and I’m broken but not quite yet defeated

My pulse still beats just like a drum

All that lives needs only to be treated

As warmly as one ray from the rising sun

Maybe tomorrow, my heart will see the beauty of it all

Maybe tomorrow will be the day I don’t complain

Maybe there will be something that helps me see the beauty of it all

Maybe it won’t matter if I’m sunshine or I’m rain

Perhaps the problem is how hard I fall

Even When

I’ve always been lonely

Even when the world was at my feet

Even when I was 16 and pregnant with possibilities

When I didn’t have a clue about living

Even when I held my children to my breast

And cradled them in my arms

Even when they thought I was, the end all to be all

When it was I the apple of their eye

Even when my mother told me she loved me

For the first time when I was 23

Even when I held up my diploma

And offered it to G-d for helping me earn it

Even when I first made love and was first made love to

And was given my right full place in someone’s heart

Even now, when he has never let me down

as he turns to hear me when I have something to say

I have always been lonely

It’s what I most likely felt first, slithering out of my mother

Even when I draw my last breathe someday

I will still feel it at the top of the list of things to feel

Even when it is absolutely necessary to feel something else

Anything that would help me die well

I have always been lonely

You’d of thought I’d be used to it by now

Even when I dare to think, it’s lost all its power

It finds a way to show me, how much it loves me

Wanna Go Home

I don’t know how to feel another way no more

Whatever broke just spilled, right out onto the floor

Those are feelings I’ve been hiding, trying to make them go away

No use in just pretending, I’m gonna feel it anyway

There’s a hole inside this soul and I don’t want to live no more

Now there’s a place, that I can say, “I’ve been here before”

Like my cocoon I found a place, where only I can hide

I just don’t want to live no more, can’t call it suicide

I would never take a life, I would never take my own

But G-d have mercy all I want, is to go back home

I don’t want to feel a thing, from my toes up to my head

I don’t want to live no more, Just wanna go home instead

Consequences

 

I know you love me

Careless and reckless sometimes

Leaving pieces of me

To have to draw the borderline

I don’t think you know how other people feel

I don’t know how it happened, but your empathy is broken

I don’t think you know how long it takes to heal

After all your displaced anger has been spoken

Your love comes and goes, as if you fear it standing still

It breaks the rules, begins again, and makes sure it never loses

Doesn’t breathe, doesn’t think, just goes in for the kill

And on your way out, the only thing left, are someone else’s bruises

When you finish what you finish and after all is said and done

When the light of what you love, shines less than when you began

What is most important to you, is that you think you’ve won

Truth be told, your words betray you, you’ve only become a lesser man

Dead Center

 

 

I know that as soon as I let you in

Some of me will slip right out

Considering where I have been

The only thing that’s left is doubt

 

Will you know what to do, with what I give you?

It’s always harder to accept and easy to complain

Cause I don’t ever want to have to ask “Will you

Jump the tracks or cross the lane?

 

I don’t fall in love anymore

That fairytale’s been put to bed

It’s hard to lay naked on a cold hard floor

I’d rather lie in someone’s arms instead

 

And if I let you in, will you let me out?

And show me that you give a damn

Enough to show me that you’ll figure out

Who the hell I am

 

And if I let you out, will you let me in?

We can meet somewhere at dead center

And maybe someday, where you end I will begin

If we are careful now, how and when we enter

 

1/11/11

The Line

There are so many things that make me a “me” and you a “you”

The bad, the good, the in between, the things you did or didn’t do

They dim our light or make us shine like heavens brightest star

And every path we choose to take makes us who we are

If you look around you’ll notice that, G-d doesn’t make straight lines

He makes the perfect so imperfect he even bends space and time

So while you sit there and you worry when things don’t go your way

Your misery and discontent, paints your life a solid grey

And those that love you pay the price for the perfectness you seek

You push them past the breaking point and then you call them weak

There are so many things that make me a “me” and you a “you”

I am that perfectly imperfect crooked line, G-d first drew

11/11/11

I Can’t Explain It

I guess it’s hard on me when I can’t solve a thing

When all the pieces to the puzzle all have to be forced in

So I have to sit back and let it be and let it go

And I can’t explain how that feels so you’ll never know

I need to stick my finger where it hurts and stop the pain

Or let it just bleed out till it reaches the middle of my brain

Standing still is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

Second to that, it would have to be letting go of you

How do you remove half your heart when it’s beating?

Do you know what comes next after begging and pleading?

I gotta walk towards the door and ignore every doubt

Till your soul finds a way to figure me out.

11/9/11

And Tell Me….

50 years from now I will be gone

you’ll be struggling to remember the things I said

cause in the end when all is said and done

there are things you’re bound to forget

those that leave you first will always love you more

I’ll go first and then you follow

and if you dare to ask what it’s all for

it’s so we wake up with someone to love tomorrow

and tell me….Have I served you well enough

have you listened to the things I might have mentioned

do you really understand what is love

and how it deserves your full attention

and tell me…have I taught you all those things

that you might need when life is cruel or kind

have you learned to open up those wings

so that your sense of self is clearly well defined

I don’t profess to know it all but I’ve learned a thing or two

A Thousand times I may have fallen and a thousand times I’ve risen

Every time I’ve gotten up it’s always been for you

So I think it’s only fair that you should listen

Inside your heart I’ve given you all that’s good about me

I’ve placed it where no one else could ever go

If I’m not here tomorrow and you should ever doubt me

Know that all that loves above also loves below

The Last One I Drew

The ink on white is all I have left to give

The rest, life has picked up to chew

And even though, here I am, I still live

The next breath relies on the last one I drew

Perhaps someday it will forget to follow

And suspend itself not knowing what to do

Any words I may have left I’d have to swallow

And yield to death and follow through

I hope heaven has made a place for me

In a corner on the quiet, lonely side

Where I can write what no one reads

Where for once G-d will know where I hide